It’s New Years Eve at chez Wylanbriar and Callum is sat in the orchard, with Rocks, Morph and little Milton listening intently to him….. He puffs shallowly on a ‘Cigar flavoured’ Vape as he spellbinds the three of them with his tales of his ‘ENORMOUS WIN’ yesterday.

‘…So how far was the runner then, Dad……??’ Says Rocks…..

‘Oh god Son, it was HUNDREDS of yards…. HUNDREDS!!!!…. You’ve never SEEN such a retrieve……’

‘HUNDREDS??!!’ Says Morph gobsmacked!! ‘HUNDREDS??’ Thats like, well….. LOADS…….’

He goes slightly cross eyed trying to think of HUNDREDS…… (Morph tends to struggle trying to think of anything over the amount of paws he has…..)

‘Whats a ‘runner’ Uncle Callum???……’ Asks little Milton with his best ‘intelligent’ ears expression….. ‘Is it one of those humans going quite fast past the orchard that Dad looks at, and says ‘If you ever see ME running? Run too, cos something’s chasing me….??…..

Him, Morph and Rocks crack up ……

‘Errrrr! Excuse me!’ Callum stamps his foot…. ‘Can we take this seriously please! I’ve been extremely clever and brilliant, and I’d like some respect!’ He throws his paws about theatrically, knocking over Rock’s Fanta and Morphs Vimto……

Ray appears around the corner.

‘…….Alright Girls….. Doing a bit of ironing are we…? Planning a bit of scone baking…?’ He swigs his New Year Eve’s ‘Predrink’ Vodka and Coke, and flicks a bit of mud at Callum…..

‘No Uncle Ray’…. Says Milton, with the innocence of youth, ‘I was just asking what a ‘runner’ was….. Cos I don’t know if you know, but Uncle Callum picked the longest runner *ever known* yesterday at that trial thing…..’

Ray groans. ….. ‘Son, son….. Your Uncle Callum is a deluded fool….. I’ve picked longer runners when i’ve still been sat in the TRUCK for gods sake…. Let me tell you what *probably* happened…… Actually! Me and Stru have just been talking about it……. Oy! Irish! Get your blonde arse over here…….’

Struan walks over slowly, eyeing Ray and planning to spit in his water bowl next time he passes it…..

‘Aye, we were indeed just talking on that exact ‘ting…… and we decided that chances are, to be sure, that the big black ponce, walked up to it…. poked it….. it hobbled three yards….. and he jumped on it with the all theatrics, of the third act of the Phantom of the fecking Opera!’

Ray snorts….. and him and Struan break into song, Twirling each other around like Strictly contestants…..

‘….In SLEEP he saaaaaaang to meeeeeee…..

In DREAMS he Caaaaaame ……. (Que more snorts and childish giggling from Rocks and Morph…. Milton doesn’t quite grasp *that one* and is dancing away merrily…….)

Ray chuckles. ‘Anyway Nancy boy, whats with the Vape? ….. Going Vegan are we Princess…???’

Callum stares him straight in the face….. ‘NO! ACTUALLY its healthier…… I read it in the Daily Mail mum put down in the puppy kennel to try soak up the endless ……’

Ray holds up a paw…..’ Enough! Enough! Save me the details of Dastardly and Mutley’s toilet habits, thank you…… Look we ALL know you can’t smoke and the real cigar you got for winning, made you puke up in three drags……. pathetic’

He leans in close and blows a smoke ring straight in Callum’s face…….

Callum coughs.

…..’and *you* top ‘scorer’ this year on the upskirt shagging chart. SERIOUSLY, I really doubt the judgment of today’s modern bitch…. Bloody furbaby’s the lot of them preferring you and that three colour spawning, shape throwing offspring of yours….. The breed is going to go to hell in a gamecart!!’

Callum’s hackles flash up, he takes a deep breath…… Rocks KNOWS what he is going to say, and in alarm lays a hand on his adored Dad’s forearm…. ‘No Dad, No! Don’t say it….. DON’T SAY IT…………..’

But Callum’s as worked up as a 6 month old at its first Fundog class!……

‘Have you ANY IDEA how many of your DAUGHTER’S, me and the 3 colour kid here, have had, this year??…… Huh?? How many? How many do we think??? Eh Rocks? Ten? Nooooo…. Twenty??????? I think NOT…… nearer to Forty???……..’

Ray’s face darkens, (if thats possible in a black dog….) he takes a step forward to lump Callum one…… and suddenly all you can hear, from the house is an enormous ‘CRAAAAASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’

Everyone jumps…… and Struan and Ray instantly look guilty….. They lick their lips worriedly.

‘What the HELL was that?!’ says Callum moving towards the house….. ‘What the HELL? …. AND where ARE Dare and Chaucer!!?????….’

Struan looks in one direction quietly whistling…. Ray looks in another.

‘WHERE ARE YOUR SONS!!!’ Shrieks Callum getting quite hysterical.

The back door opens and Dare and Chaucer gallop out with Monty behind them trying to boot them up the arse…… As Dare runs past, Callum grabs him by the neck…..

‘Tell me whats going on!’ Demanded Callum.

‘Never!’ Shrieks Dare. ‘The first rule of Fight Club is you don’t talk about Fight Club!!!’

Callum sighs. ‘Morph…… Please….’

Morph steps forward and liberally twists Dare’s dewclaw…….

‘Ouuuuuch!!!! Shriiiek!!! OK! OK! Well the Irish dog said he knew a man who’d give us good money, for a bit of fancy silver…… and so *they said* (Pointing at Ray and Struan) That they’d share the cash with us….. Me and Chaucer here…..’

Callum’s eyes are wide…… ‘And…. WHAT Silver were they talking about?? For the LOVE of god…. Not………???’

Morph steps forward again threateningly, winking at Chaucer…….

Dare splutters….’…….Yes! Ok Yes! YOUR trophies……….Yes Your Bloody TROPHIES!!!!’

Then, A small voice pipes up in Galway tones…….

‘…Yes! To be sure! To be sure! ……. Us Irish were gonna melt down your shiney fecking trophies, to be sure!!!!!’ shrieks Chaucer dancing about…..

‘ SHUT UP you total knobchild, and what’s with the Irish accent? You were born in bloody Cambridgeshire!!!’ Splutters Rocks, appalled……

Callum looks as if he is about to pass out, Ray puffs another drag up his snout making Callum decend into a major coughing fit…….

‘Covid!!! Covid!!!! Covid!!!!!’ Yell Milton and Chaucer hysterically, laughing and bolting off to the feed room to look for dropped kibble, screaming and laughing …….

Silence falls amongst the big dogs.

Morph farts.

Rocks giggles.

Ray takes a deep breath. ‘Loooooooook………..Hedgehog boy….. lets not take this too seriously shall we? I mean! Its New Years Eve! The pubs will be open in half hour……. Look, I’ll buy you a half pint with lime, and you can get drunk and we can talk about it……. After all……..’ He looks Callum straight in the eye……

‘You’ve no idea how many of YOUR daughters, me and the Irish dog here, have had this year…..!!’

Callum looks angry….. then starts to chuckle…….

‘Ok….. OK…… But……. Ray……..’

‘What?’

‘SERIOUSLY YOU should have SEEN that runner……. HUNDREDS of yards it was…….. HUNDREDS!!!!!!!……….’

They nod at Morph who picks the kids up and tosses them over the orchard gate, then all the boys jump it and trot off up the lane to hit the Half Moon, chatting and slapping each other on the back……

Happy New Year from the Wylanbriar gang!! xxxxx